MENTAL STARCH

TODAY'S QUOTE:
Faith, to my mind, is a stiffening process, a sort of mental starch...
E. M. Forster

Two words define faith in a fashion that my soul understands, even when my brain gets muddled, or my heart gets bruised. For me, "complete confidence" says it all. No matter what has happened in my lifetime I've always possessed faith. Any issue that has ever occurred was never because of any lack of faith on my part. Most often it has been the direction I pointed it toward that has been faulty.

Just saying that made me pause... I want so strongly to make it clear that I don't believe it was an error to have confidence in the people I've loved. My error was that I went so very long without having any confidence in myself. I should have placed more value in my own ability. I should have never blamed myself when others broke my trust. It took me almost a lifetime to realize how very special I am... how capable... how worthy of trust... how forgiving... not perfect, but perfectly comfortable inside my skin.

I've very often deserved more than I've received from others. The default wasn't mine, yet I hugged it to me as if it were something I could alter with just a bit more effort. When I stopped having blind faith in others and invested complete confidence in my own worth, things balanced out to a place where I found peace.

People didn't stop disappointing me, but their shortcomings became their own issues. If they screwed up I didn't abandon them, unless screwing up was all they ever did. If I love someone, but they're dangerous to my soul, I may have to put distance between us... but the love remains. My faith in others isn't endless. But my confidence in myself is, or falling back into old patterns would be my just punishment.

It took me ages to iron out the wrinkles inside of me that cruel words and clenched fists applied so unjustly. It took me longer still to apply the starch that stiffened my resolve to never again be a willing victim. 

I begin each new relationship with anyone, both friend or lover by placing complete confidence in both of us really being who we say we are. I'm wide-open... unprotected by the safety that any doubt would supply. Hopeful rose colored glasses sitting loosely upon my face. I have complete confidence in who I am, and the value of what I have to give. Any loss of trust is their doing, because I'm real to the soul. Knock my rosy shades off and it's just never quite the same.

If the betrayal is bad enough and the love isn't deep then I let go and travel on. A bit wiser, but still intact. If the love is deep then I show my sorrow and explain my position. I allow time for understanding, but I'll protect myself by caring just a bit less. Every wound will shrink fondness, until nothing of value remains.

I give fair warning by both word then deed. All my relationships, both large or small, have the same warning labels. Don't view this quiet person as simple. Don't see my forgiving soul as a blank check to redeem for any amount of agony. Don't imagine simply because you seek to deceive that I swallow blindly. Don't push at me endlessly, imaging I'll always spring back and carry on as before. One push too many and I may just roll away.

And never underestimate yourself and the incredible possibilities a bit of starch applied to a mind can create. Have complete confidence in yourself, before you dole it out to others. It isn't an either or kind of thing. You don't have to abandon self to gift love to anyone else. Better to hold on tight always to the faith you earned yourself above what you bet on anyone else. Emotional bankruptcy can be avoided with just the right amount of starch applied. Think about it.... Let it ride.... Then decide!!!!