A Miserable State

TODAY'S QUOTE:
"It is a miserable state of mind to have few things to desire, and many things to fear.".... Francis Bacon, 1561-1626, British Philosopher/Essayist/Statesman

This quote is scary-true! I once lived in such a place, desires were almost nonexistent and instantly displaced by the overabundance of fears that I struggled with. I say lived there in the loosest of terms... what I was doing was not really anything that deserves that label. I was frozen in place in one way or another for the first forty years of my life. The thawing out has caused me to be anything but main stream in my action or reactions.

I am sometimes misunderstood, but not easily overlooked. The people who just do not get me are numerous, yet the ones who do are all of a special breed who hold tight to us misfits with a clue. I am champion for the walking wounded who have enough hunger left to want a banquet instead of whatever crumbs they have been been force fed for a lifetime.

I can cook, but I am not Betty Crocker! I can sew, but only to mend and I do it only if I love you a whole lot. I am by nature a much better mate than I am a mother; although I love my children I have failed them in many ways. I can clean, but seeing dust does not make me instantly grab a rag. I love order all around me and I am very good at creating it, yet if the clutter is not mine it bothers me not one little bit. I can do many mundane things I avoid in favor of things I see as much more vital.

I can fight fear and win. I can wrestle demons and pull their teeth. I can take a disadvantage and find its positive side. I can walk with someone I have never met through the darkest of places and create enough light for safe passage. I can feel my pain and use it, and absorb the pain of others and soothe it. All I can do makes me different enough to be eerie strange to some and very special to others.

I used to fear most of all what my peers and family thought of me. I lived my life to please whoever was closest to me... trying to be well-loved, but in the end I was only well-used. Hell, I was so well-used I was almost used up before I twisted my perspective to see what a prison my fears had built for me.

Every brick was not laid by my hand, but every bit of mortar was slapped on by my actions. I cemented it so tightly it took years to loosen it enough to escape. What I learned along the way I share here, not for my benefit... but for whoever reads and understands that you can be walking wounded and still be precious. You can overcome fears, and learn how to thrive instead of merely survive. It begins deep inside, in places you did not know existed before a sudden awakening. Sometimes it is fired by sadness, sometimes it is inspired by rage... but it always begins with.... thinking about it.... letting it ride.... then deciding!!!!